Dump it into a casserole pan and place it in the oven. Turn the oven on to 325 and walk away. Return 20 minutes later, pull it out, and let the dancing commence.
ON THE TABLE: Gigantic Poutine Pile. You down with G.P.P.? Yeah, you know me.
HEIGHT: I'd estimate four inches. It was easily the shortest Fat Pants Friday I've had, but it's not like Joe Pesci's characters were ever pushovers.
WEIGHT: A lot. The first thing that comes to mind is "potato shot-put."
TOP TO BOTTOM: Green garnishy stuff, fries, fries, cheese, gravy, what I believe were sausage bits, fries, fries, jalapeno poppers, tater tots, bacon bits, fries, fries, PEAS (WTF?), and fries.
HOW HEALTHY IS IT? Potatoes are vegetables. This is probably the closest I've come this year to eating a vegetarian dish.
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT: Everyone, from our waitress to the crowd at the next table, wondered how on Earth that would taste any good re-heated. You can't re-heat fries, they say. It ruins them, they say.
Listen: you're talking to a guy who once shoved a Lego so far up his nose, he had to go to the hospital. Don't tell me what I can and can't do.
WHO'S WITH ME?: Hornish! We hit road work, we hit Lucid, we hit road work, we hit 6Smith, we hit road work, the end.
ONE HOUR EARLIER: Road work.
TWO HOURS EARLIER: Road work.
THREE HOURS EARLIER: Road work.
You see, Southbound 494 is bring torn up for no discernible purpose than my inconvenience. Northbound 494 is halved by a miles-long divider that gets moved during the day ... and it's done in such a way that northbound is one lane when I'm driving northbound to work, and southbound is one lane when I'm driving southbound back home. I hate everything.
WHAT'S IN THAT GLASS? Surly Furious. Get it? Road work.
PLAY-BY-PLAY: Hornish backed out of the Pantsing, opting instead for the panko-crusted mac, stoner fries (actual menu name), and calamari. Because I ate my self-control years ago, I nearly filled myself up on the apps and put on a pathetic display when Fat Pants arrived. I did get a cool picture, at least.
Was there leftover mac and calamari, though? Yes. And did it get mixed in with the poutine for a mega-munchie the next morning? Of course!
GRADE: Eschewing the sandwich model for this was noble, but there's an element of awe that can only be captured by hoisting an obscenely-tall sandwich. That aside, great dish -- well, except for the peas. Fortunately, they stood out easily enough to be picked away without issue.
ADDENDUM: When I asked if the owner was there that night (just to say hi, nothing bad), the waitress asked who I was and I said, "Just some yak-off." When the poutine was taken for packaging, it came back in a box with "FAT PANTS FRIDAY - YAK-OFF - 4/24/15" written on top.
You know you've made it with a restaurant when the to-go boxes are calling you names.
Ep. 1: Couples Therapy