As the clock struck 11 a.m. on the 31st of July, I shut down my command center and bid adieu to my co-workers. For your humble scribbler, Fiscal '15 was over. I celebrated the same way I celebrate everything that occurs on a Friday. I went to 6Smith and played Angry Birds at the bar for two hours, then my wife showed up and we 1-2 punched our first Fat Pants of the fiscal new year.
Money in the bank.
WHAT IS THIS THING: They called it Curtivanni, named after the two line cooks who brought it to life.
TOP TO BOTTOM: Bacon-wrapped jalapeno, egg (duh), tortilla, burger patty, tortilla, bacon, fini cheddar fondue, bacon jam, burger, lettuce, lettuce, lettuce, slices jalapenos, and a huge mess on the plate.
HEIGHT and WEIGHT: It lacked. Call it a rookie oversight.
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION: You see all the lettuce, right? We might as well have been eating a salad.
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT: A perfect Friday afternoon meant only one other couple at the bar. Everyone working had already seen it.
HOW'S DAYTIME TV THESE DAYS? Well, Fox Sports North was recapping something called the Skrill L.A. Poker Classic? I think that's right. People watching in the stands looked lifeless, like sloppily-set mannequins. The players themselves looked as if pulled off the street minutes before air. Is poker seriously that big still?
WHO'S WITH ME? My wife, and she came hungry. Two days earlier, we turned a two-way brutal Wednesday into a new all-we-could-eat sushi record; today, the sunset on her T-shirt and pink Cadillac nails were hiding a deadly secret.
ONE HOUR EARLIER:
"Zach," I say to the bartender, "on a scale of 9-10, with 10 being the most and 9 being one less than 10, how much are you going to judge me if I just drink here until me wife gets here."
"Ten," he says, "I will judge you worthy."
WHAT'S IN THE GLASS? I told Zach to mix me a surprise cocktail, and he produced what he calls a Pimm's Cup: Pimm's English liqueur, ginger ale, gin, and a mashed up cucumber. It was a pleasant sipper.
STRATEGY: Curtivanni was pretty straightforward, chop and chew, smear in the sauce and demolish. I was through it in minutes. I briefly contemplated ordering another one, but instead focused on my wife. She was slowing, with three or four bites left.
"Go back in!" I said, "We can finish together for the first time!"
"This is turning into a punishment," she said, groaning. "If I eat this, you have to let me lay on the couch and go 'uuuuuuhhhhhh' for the rest of the night."
"Whatever, just finish it."
She did, and it pleased me.
POST-GAME ANALYSIS: It was the first time I'd seen tortillas in a Fat Pants creation. While it was structurally unsound and a breeze to finish, the architects had the right idea: it's what I imagine would spawn if you mated a Big Mac with a softshall taco, and who wouldn't want to experience that?