The Kinked Slinky NFL Playoff Quickie!

Of course the NFL playoffs are coming and OF COURSE pixel-tons of codswallop are being hurled at you by so-called “analysts.” I hope you people aren’t betting your houses based on that crap. Ignore the rabble, though. Here’s what is ACTUALLY going to happen this post-season.
Oh, you’ve been reading this garbage all week? Here, I’ll do you a solid: For every game but one, I’m fitting my entire analysis into one sentence and the result into one more sentence.
Won’t be more than 525 words, I promise. Let’s ride!
First, TL:DR
Super Bowl, Packers over Patriots.
They’re the two most talented teams but the Packers have more “It Like That” than New England.
Oh, you want more? Onward!
Wild Card
SATURDAY
Vikings at Packers

The way Vikings fans talked about their quarterback most of this year, you’d think he was Waldo Faldo from Family Matters – and you guys pick NOW to start trusting him? I really hope I’m wrong about this one, but I can’t follow my heart.


Bengals at Texans
The Bengals are the Internet Cat Meme of the NFL playoffs: You see them at that 6-seed and it’s sooo cute, then you click your mouse and forget you ever saw them. Texans win, BABALITY!


SUNDAY
Seahawks at Redskins

The Seahawks have won some dogfights this year, while the Redskins have only won pillowfights. 3 is greater than III


Colts at Ravens
Would you rather let down an inspirational head coach who has everything in perspective, or would you rather let down an “inspirational” linebacker – once accused of murder, no less – whose career might end because you fucked up? Sorry Chuck, Baltimore wins.

DIVISIONAL ROUND
NFC
Seahawks at Falcons

Russell Wilson is going to walk in there like Rorschach and the Falcons will be standing there shitless, like a collective Big Figure. I’m not locked in here with you, YOU’RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME!!

Packers at 49ers
My turn-offs include a monotonous QB dither, an 0-1-1 record against the St. Louis Rams, and signing Billy Cundiff  – you remember Billy Cundiff, right? – to compete for field goal rights in the post-season. Sorry Niners, I’m just not that into you.

AFC
Houston at New England

Remember when Jimmy Kimmel pointed out that Houston’s logo looked like the New England Patriot knocked up the Texas Longhorn? Anyway, the cows get tipped in Foxboro.

Baltimore at Denver
We just saw this like three weeks ago, guys. Broncos win; Ray Lewis misplaces another white suit.


NFC Title Game
Seattle at Green Bay
I have no good reason to pick Green Bay other than I’m more confident they can beat the Patriots. And somebody has to, dammit.


AFC Title Game (Ramble time!)
New England at Denver
Denver is a fashion pick for Pats haters, nothing more. Peyton Manning is 4-and-eleventy-zillion against Tom Brady. Wanna know why Peyton’s forehead is so fucking big? It’s because Bill Belichick is so deep in his head. Also, Eli has already established himself as The One Who Beats Tom Brady. I’d love to see the Patriots lose, but it won’t be to the Broncos. Just stop already.