You’ve heard of Tough Mudder! You’ve heard of the Spartan Race! You’ve heard of Rugged Maniac! You’ve heard of the Warrior Dash! You’ve heard of the Mudman Race! You’ve heard of the Hero Rush … maybe? You’ve Heard of the Run Through Crap and Drink Beer!*
But have you really been challenged?
It’s time to take your game to the next level with the Woodbury Extreme Suburbathon! Ten 8.2 miles of asphalt chaos that will take obstacle racing TO THE EXTREME! Think you can handle the obstacles that await …
The Race Starts at the Woodbury Days Fairgrounds in Ojibway Park! Your race to glory starts down a corridor of merchant stands! Endure a free back massage! Brave a free body fat measurement! Enter yourself into 15 drawings, and get ready – this is only the beginning!
Run Past a Man-Made Pond: Those water bodies are about as natural as Joan Rivers’ face, but get too close to these mecho-ponds and you’ll be sprinting for your life from the GOOSE MOB! The GOOSE MOB will waddle, they will fly, they will hiss, they will scream … for blood! Expect a block-long sprint that will make your lungs buuuuuurrrrrn!
Run Up Radio Drive Into Oncoming Traffic apparently.
Freshly-Laid Sod Crawl: Natural grass? In Woodbury? HAH! A grueling crawl awaits you in the Seasons Villas … or possibly Lake Inverness Estates, or some other upscale housing community. On your hands and knees and out of sight of the homeowners – you hope – you’ll make your way back to the street, hopefully without taking a piece of somebody’s yard with you!
Park an SUV At The Woodbury Lakes Shopping Center: Get to this mall and get in your designated sport-utility vehicle. You might think this is a well-earned relief from the physical punishment … but your brain is about to get cooked! To survive this obstacle, you must locate your designated store AND find a parking spot within 500 feet of it. If you run over a frustrated shopper, you must spend five minutes shopping at Gap as a penalty! Complete this task and start heading back to Ojibway Park!
Run Past ANOTHER Man-Made Pond: And run for your life from ANOTHER GOOSE MOB!
Tire Swing: A geriatric pair of empty-nesters who years ago said screw it to calling landscapers yard upkeep has a thrilling tire swing out back! Take what’s left of your legs and Tarzan it over a patch of treacherous … dandelions? … to the other side of the yard before taking back to the roads!
Kowalski’s Parking Lot Shuffle: Hope you’ve got your dancing shoes on, Tutu. You’re about to jump, slide, juke, and roll through a parking lot full of angsty soccer moms shoving Eco-Boost crossovers through anything that isn’t made of brick! Keep your head on a swivel. Just because their car has a back-up camera, doesn’t mean they’re using it!
Gloriously Jump Over a Four-Inch Wall of Flame: Because THAT’s hard.
End Back at Woodbury Days and Celebrate in a Beer Garden that Looks Like an Animal Pen While You Drink a Can of Miller Lite Because That’s All They Have: Celebrate your victory with the music of G.B. Leighton … or whoever they’ve got headlining this year, knowing that tales of this epic challenge will be passed on through generations**, until the next obstacle course comes to the area.
*This one was made up, but seriously.
**In this context “generations” refers to Twitter posts and Facebook statuses