Hudson’s Laser-Mounted Raptor Bagel

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Hudson Bagel 2

I’ve waited long enough to break the seal on the Minnesota Skinny‘s best-kept secret. The greatest food item I’ve ever encountered hasn’t had beef in the middle, pepperonis or pineapples on top, or sliced cuts of beef stacked a foot high. It hasn’t come in a glass, growler, or heinously-priced bottle or tallboy.

It’s a bagel. Excuse me, it’s a HUDSON BAGEL. It’s the cheddar bagel. Perfection is simple: You disjoint your jaw to get your mouth around it, and you’ve got four messes to clean when you’re done. Otherwise, perfection is simple.

Cheese, bun, cheese, bun, done.

The Basics: You can find Hudson Bagel on the Internet at hudsonbagel.com. There are two locations in total: One in Hudson and one in Heaven, because Heaven would be Hell without a Hudson Bagel.

Hudson Bagel 1
Hudson Bagel with pulled pork and cream cheese (If it takes you longer than four hours to eat this, seek medical help immediately)

Hudson Bagel anchors an otherwise fugue-inducing strip mall in, yeah, Hudson. They sell ’em individually, or you can buy ’em in bags of bakers’ dozens (and the seventh one is free!). Coffee, donuts, and soda are  sold there as well. A Coca-Cola is never as good as it is with a Hudson Bagel. Neither is coffee. Neither is anything.

The cheddar bagel turns heads, breaks necks, and halts traffic. It’s a culinary supermodel. A mere glance makes the humans drool. The dogs, too (now I know for sure). This egg-infused alien wonder injects Earthly beings with the two most elemental foundations: CARBS and CHEESE.

Most of the time, it doesn’t really have a hole in the middle. It’s never level, never perfectly round, and how is the cheddar infused? It isn’t: They just cook a slice of cheddar right onto the roof of the bagel.

It’s the only bagel I’ve ever met with the audacity to be greasy. Why make it fair, right? One Hudson Bagel is all you need to stave off depression, anxiety, exhaustion, heat exhaustion, probably Lupus, and keep the Polio virus extinct.

The only way you get sick at Hudson Bagel is if you win the loyalty drawing, then you get SICK DEALS (explosion noise).

They have other flavors, too, like the sun-dried tomato (wife’s go-to) the pizza bagel (sounds gimmicky but it works), bacon cheddar (listed without comment), and Swiss (for emergencies only, when they’re out of cheddar), but the cheddar is the one my mother-in-law will fight off an eight-year-old for if there’s only one left. The cheddar is the one with the city-sized bull’s eye.

Use a Hudson Bagel to fight off a badger, a honey badger, a horny badger, Bucky the Badger, whatever. All badgers cower before the might of a Hudson Bagel. Afterward, wipe the cheese off your face, the grease off your hands, the crumbs out of your beard, and toss the paper bag in the trash.

Once that’s done, that nirvanic rush of exuberance ought to have set in. Go forth and finally subdue your nemesis, whatever it is. Work project? Eat a Hudson Bagel and figure out fucking Excel. Home project? Hang it after a Hudson Bagel — with your newly-acquired eye superpowers, you won’t even need a level.

Confronting a super-villian? Blow your post-bagel belch into his face and laugh as he falls in love with you … then uppercut him into the spike pit. BAGELITY!

Want versatility? Bring a Hudson Bagel home, cut it in half, add cream cheese, then add pulled pork. Or macaroni shells. Or a chicken breast. Or a hamburger patty. But you’re still adding cream cheese, right? Good.

A Hudson Bagel bun on a menu is a miracle waiting to happen. For instance, what if … what if Agave Kitchen made a Steeburger using a Hudson Bagel as the bun?

That would be — oh God —

(Faints)

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