I’ve Got the T-Shirt: The Double D Challenge at Beth’s Burger Bar

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My little brother-in-law will surely be proud of how he’s depicted, so I have no problem telling you about the condiments that covered his face and the drool ziplines that hung between his mouth and his food as he worked his way through Beth’s Double D Challenge out in Orlando. He has probably already told his friends about how his patchy beard was adorned with every color of burger topping conceivable, or about he’d used two napkins when he probably needed 100. His girlfriend has already seen pictures, most likely.

At 18 years old, conquest of his very first food challenge has him well on his way toward his first triple-bypass of the American Dream. I couldn’t be prouder.

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The Basics: Beth’s Burger Bar has a central head open seven days a week, and a pair of tentacles with limited hours. You can find them on the web here.

The message Beth seems to convey with her tagline is that her burgers are an improved version of the burgers you get at Five Guys, and that’s accurate. Sorry, snobs: Five Guys burgers are pretty good, and Beth’s are a bit better. There’s the same steamy, minutely-charred goodness, but the cheese goo is just a bit thicker and topping droppings are just a little bit less predictable.

Where Beth really delivers a haymaker is the drink fridge, however; while you’re stuck with that wacky “Build-a-Coke” syrup dispensary/drink machine at Five Guys, one girl is more than happy to let you have hers with a PBR tallboy. It’s what nature intended.

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The hotness right now seems to calling your friends idiots if they dare squirt ketchup in your presence. If you’re one of these people, shut up. Ketchup is just fine. Mayonnaise is fine. All condiments are fine. Get a life.

Where was I?

I see Beth’s and think of the opening sequences of teen slasher flicks, where the group is getting together to plan the vacation that will ultimately get them all killed. They’re all having fun at first: burgers, milkshakes, laughter, maybe a PBR, maybe two PBRs, then a cop comes in and makes everyone anxious. The officer who came into ours was in uniform but had clearly just gotten off duty (I don’t think he was even driving a police car).

Otherwise, it was a couple of regular-types and the staff – you know, exactly the ones who’d have told us not to go down that creepy sideroad. We saw Double D on the menu and couldn’t resist: four beef patties, eight slices of bacon, five different cheeses and the typical red and green toppings. You’re given 10 minutes to finish.

Sounds doable, right? I dove in with no hesitation. Lil’bro heard and jumped in behind me.

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Me: “YOU READY FOR THIS, BRAH?!” Him: “(silence)”

Mine was gone in four-and-a-half minutes. Lil’Bro had his gone in just under seven.

It was easy, but not laughable necessarily. There was never question whether I’d finish it, but we weren’t sure about Lil’Bro until about the five-minute mark. There are wackos out there, no doubt, who could take it down in less than a minute. I don’t think I could take it much faster than my 4:30.

The prices won’t scare you off, and victory scores you a T-shirt. There’s really no reason not to, and that might be the ultimate goal of the challenge. Painless thrills are okay once in a while. Just don’t go down any sketchy roads trying to find one.

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