Listicles, man! People love ’em!
I don’t know why I waste my time visiting an establishment, spending my hard-earned money there, and taking the time and trying to write from the heart about it. Just imagine how much easier my life would be if I just wrote listicles!
Establishments are sooo honored to be on them, too – as if it means anything, as if the writer didn’t just Google them quick and throw it together. Take this one, for instance.
Visit-twincities.com. The f*ck even is that? That web address looks like something a Trump troll would have made up to post fake news stories on. Archived photos from another website? Check. One or two piddly paragraphs per entry? Check. Use of “drool-worthy” to describe a building, which … has a brewery ever made you drool? Even beer, I don’t think has ever actually made me … anyway, check.
It got around, though. Speaking of getting around, let’s head over to Only In Your State and check out this piece of shit.
Notice the photo credits. The website isn’t responsible for a single photograph. At least Visit-Dash-TwinCitiesAllOneWord-Dot-Com has photos from a sister site. Look at the entries. Every single one pretty much boils down to “This is here, and it’s nice.”
Now look at the bottom: THIRTY POINT SIX THOUSAND SHARES.
That’s it. I’m getting in on this.
I’m doing it my way, though. If I’m going to write some asshole listicle, I’m making sure it’s 100-percent authentically asshole. So help me, Flying Spaghetti Monster, I’m going to spend one post per month making the best listicles this market has ever laid eyes on … and I’m not going to spend more than 10 minutes* writing them. I’ll even use my own photos, which might get weird in this case seeing as I’ve never been to these places.
Still with me? Let’s start with the one I’ve become famous for.
My buddy Hornish uses the word “amazing” probably 15 times in every conversation about Revival, and every conversation he’s taken part in since 2015 has wound up being dominated by his most recent Revival meal. I’d estimate he eats there 3-4 times a week. If it ever becomes possible to die of amazement, we’ll know because he’ll be the first casualty.
2. Saint Dinette
This Tim Niver-led project combines the culinary traditions of the river cities between Montreal and New Orleans. The items people talk about most are the double cheeseburger and the bologna sandwich. I bet the bologna is great up in Canada.
3. St. Genevieve
I’ve heard nothing about this place, but a leading Twin Cities food critic named it her restaurant of 2016 so I’m guessing it’s good.
4. Mucci’s Italian
Another Tim Niver-led project combines the culinary traditions of Italy. The item people talk about most here is the pizza. I bet the pizza is great up in Italy.
5. Phil’s Tara Hideaway
Having been to Phil’s Tara for steak is a common denominator among everyone I know who’s “in the know” ’round these parts. I drove past it once on my way to Smalley’s, but I didn’t see any roads leading up to the building. That’s how you earn hideaway status, I s’pose, and this is where my 10 minutes expired.
7. Spoon and Stable
I’ve drank here, so I may or may not be running myself out of bounds. Very nice whiskey sour. They’ve got a beer Flat Earth makes exclusively for them called The Mercantile. It was given that name (I believe) because the restaurant was originally supposed to be named Merchant. Owner/head chef Gavin Kaysen changed its name less than two months before opening, citing the number of restaurants already named Merchant. If only there was a way he could’ve known sooner.
8. Pizzeria Lola
I drove past this with a friend one night; she pointed at it and said “There’s Pizzeria Lola!” She talked about this one magical night, on which she got a seat right away at Pizzeria Lola. The way she spoke about that, you’d swear Ed McMahon followed her to the table and gave her one of those giant Publisher’s Clearinghouse checks. Getting sat right away doesn’t happen too often there, evidently.
It stands for Italian Eatery. It’s, uh, y’know, an Italian eatery.
10. Young Joni
Their website so far consists of only a splash page with its name and NOVEMBER 2016 all crazy. You can reserve through OpenTable, but they don’t link to a menu. At least we know when they’re opening, though!
RELATED: For some writing I actually put time into, you can check out the steak and eggs I enjoyed at Cook St. Paul, and the steak and eggs I enjoyed at Sportsmen’s Taverna in Hibbing.
*The 10 minutes is purely writing the content. Editing and photos weren’t included in the final total, which may have been as many as 16 or 17 minutes. Now suddenly this thing is taking all day.