You know the drill: every pick of the NFL playoffs, one sentence for analysis, one sentence for the pick. In and out, just like the Buffalo Bills this postseason. Let’s roll!
TEN at KC: I’m pretty excited for all the football fans who’ve never heard of the Tennessee Titans to watch them and be like “Wow, these guys stink.” KC moves on!
ATL at LA: In a battle of frat boy coaches, you always take the in-his-prime frat boy with the faux hawk over the past-his-prime frat dad with his last name tattooed on his bicep and a graying goatee. RAMS, brah!
BUF at JAX: Buffalo Bills coach Sean McDermott should have been fired after The Nathan Peterman Incident, the Bills are about to get walloped by Jacksonville, and somehow those two things will add up to McDermott getting a huge contract extension. Buffalo lose big, but at least they made it.
CAR at NO: “Riverboat Ron” is a great nickname for the Panthers’ coach, but Google “Riverboat Sank Mississippi River” and tell me how good you feel after that. Take that as a NO.
NO at PHI: The whole “dome teams struggle in cold weather” argument sounds great, until you realize the Saints’ last playoff victory was in Philadelphia … and Nick Foles was the Eagles’ quarterback that day. Saints win again!
KC at NE: Forget Kansas City’s week one victory in New England: nothing Kansas City did in that game works as well now as it did then. KC loses.
JAX at PIT: Blake Bortles played high school football in Florida, college football in Florida, pro football in Florida, and you’re expecting him to win his first mid-January playoff game IN PITTSBURGH?! PIT wins.
LAR at MIN: The Minnesota Vikings’ first-ever playoff game at US Bank Stadium, and do you really think a goofy-ass roster like “Jared Goff” and “Cooper Kupp,” and “Todd Gurley” and “Aaron Donald” is going to beat them? FOH, Vikings win!
PIT at NE: The Pittsburgh Steelers are a fragile team – they’re susceptible to upsets and injury-prone – and Bill Belichick doesn’t lose to fragile teams (except in Miami sometimes). PIT loses.
NO at MIN: Count on three things: death, taxes, and the materialization of Vikings fans’ nightmares. Please don’t hate me – Saints move on.
NO vs. NE: If you’re a fair-weather Minnesota fan who starts rockin’ a Brady jersey after the Saints beat the Vikings – and I know you’re out there – I’m going to be so happy for you when the Saints come back and beat the Patriots, too. The Saints are your champions!