Why don’t I just post my fantasy football picks on a Facebook post and leave it at that, you ask? Because by making a blog post I can provide scintillating BACKSTORY and if long work days have gotten me behind on my editorial schedule I can turn my fantasy football BACKSTORY into CONTENT. And with CONTENT, I don’t feel so much like a BLOG DEADBEAT.
You saw my starting lineup in the headline picture, so let’s get right to the BACKSTORY! Here’s how this year’s Dolphin King Bowser squad came together.
MY PICK: Two years ago, I drew the 11th spot in our fantasy draft; last year, 10th; this year, 12th. Don’t ever bet on my name in a drawing, or any order randomization that involves a dog eating cheese. It’s going to be a bad time.
Unlike in past years, this was a good year to be in the back of the draft. There are enough elite players for a smart man picking 12th to grab a second one with the very next pick (we do a snake draft, so I picked 12th-13th, 36th-37th, etc.).
THE STRATEGY: The league’s elite running backs were scheduled to be snapped up in the early goings of the opening round. My strategy, then, was to scoop up two wide receivers and wait on running backs until the middle rounds. There, I would sneak off with some buy-low options to start the season and make adjustments as needed.
THE NIGHT: I was a man with a plan, until I met up with my buddy Masseur before the draft (he’s in the league too) and we went to the bar beforehand. We went back to his house and had a few more beers.
I haven’t talked about it on the blog, but I rarely drink anymore – social outings and that’s it, pretty much – but when you haven’t been drinking, and suddenly you are drinking, you’re not so much a man with a plan anymore as you are a man typing in the draft room chat with caps lock on constantly.
I logged right into the draft room and started pecking at the guy I beat four years ago in the Super Bowl. The numbers don’t matter. Only this does:
The buzzer sounds and we’re off!
ROUND ONE/TWO: After watching Russell Wilson go fourth overall and Aaron Rodgers fifth – and Alvin Kamara fall to 10th – I grabbed Leonard Fournette 12th and Kareem Hunt 13th. For those not familiar with football, neither one of those dudes are wide receivers. Also, why are you reading this?
Three Vikings – Stefon Diggs, Adam Thielen, and Dalvin Cook – were among those taken in Round 2.
ROUND THREE/FOUR: I won’t get into specifics, but I will tell you a running back who is already out for the year with an injury was taken late in Round 4. I will also tell you my buddy Mel almost ran his head through a wall when I showed our draft recap because he doubled back in laughter so forcefully.
“That draft was CRAZY!” he said, and he didn’t even get to see the draft room chat. I took Ertz in the third round, Smith-Schuster fourth.
ROUND FIVE/SIX: JIMMY FUCKING GRAHAM goes in Round Five. If you recall, JIMMY FUCKING GRAHAM was the first-round pick I didn’t make in 2014 because my computer was slow to log me into the draft room. I took Giovani Bernard in the second round, thinking it was the first round, and being really happy. When I found out that was actually my second-round pick, I almost threw my laptop through a wall. Don’t ask to explain my logic in that.
That was the year I won the league championship. JIMMY FUCKING GRAHAM plays for Green Bay now.
This year, I took Allen Robinson II with my fifth-round pick, then grabbed Marquise Goodwin with my next pick. Allen Robinson II was a borderline first-round pick last year, but missed the whole season with injury. Our whole league forgot about him, but at least someone remembered Jerick MacKinnon.
Other Round 6 notables include the Patriots kicker, and no other notables.
ROUND SEVEN/EIGHT: Round 7 was when backup running backs (Dion Lewis, Mark Ingram), an oft-injured tight end (Jordan Reed), a man named Cooper Kupp (Cooper Kupp) and two Detroit Lions were chosen. With very few other quarterback options left, I settled for Patrick Mahomes II. He’s the quarterback everyone is most excited to see this year, which means he’s going to flame out sooo badly.
I took Tevin Coleman eighth. The next four picks after that were Sammy Watkins, Josh Gordon, Adrian Peterson, and Michael Crabtree. Remember the movie Grown Ups? That movie was made in 2010 and starred Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Kevin James, and David Spade.
Watkins, Gordon, Peterson, and Crabtree are pretty much the NFL equivalent of that lineup.
ROUND NINE/TEN: I picked up the Philadelphia Eagles defense. Remember the Philadelphia Eagles defense? I pick up Julian Edelman, too. He’s the New England Patriots’ top receiver when he isn’t suspended. He’s suspended for the first four weeks, BUT WHEN HE COMES BACK, HOO BOY is he probably going to get injured right away.
ROUND 11-14: I pick Seahawks receiver Tyler Lockett, Ravens kicker Justin Tucker who WILL nail a 70-yarder someday, Tampa Bay tight end Cameron Brate, and Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Gallup.
I also cranked out a very long, all-caps lock jeremaid in chat about the road trip to Kansas City I’ve planned this fall. I drafted two Kansas City Chiefs players, but I was going to eat ribs. The ribs in Kansas City are great. I spent most of these four rounds explaining this.
ROUND 15: Having the last pick of the first round meant I owned the very last pick of the draft. I was excited for this, because I could draft the man who was born for this pick. You know it, baby: Dolphins quarterback Ryan Tannehill. The buildup and announcement of this pick was another several-line all-caps affair.
The one female in our league told me she loved me at some point in the draft’s final round. I think she was being sarcastic. Still, when I tried to irritate my wife by telling her this, she just shrugged her shoulders and said “If you fart in her bed as often as you fart in ours, it won’t last.”
I dropped Ryan Tannehill four days later.