The enduring winter held them at bay, but my mortal enemies have returned. An ancient evil has come down from the skies to invade our aquatic vanity sources. They know two emotions: white-hot hatred for humans, and insatiable hunger for warfare.
They are the Canada Geese.
Already, geese are setting up shop near the man-made water bodies of the Twin Cities. Like street gangs, they congregate on the corners and drill fear into the weak and infirm. It’s THEIR corner now, so take YOUR stinky hot dog cart and YOUR low-end cannibus stash and get up outta there!
It’s our fault, though, you know. It was sooo cute to feed them French fries and bread crumbs, and we kept doing it, and now they aren’t afraid of us anymore. Now they’re dropping their green grumpies on our sidewalks, and laying their eggs near the ponds … and defending their turf with VIOLENCE! Your flailing limbs are mere obstacles. They’ll see your handgun and raise you a phone call from PETA. No humans are safe.
Except you, because I’m about to save your life.
NOTE: This is not original content. I found it on several websites. All I’ve done is re-write the steps.
1. When you pass a posse of geese, it’s the male you want to watch out for. This is key: if he hisses or flaps his wings, that’s your cue to vacate the premises. The male will come at you first, bro, because the females are watching the eggs. This matters in a moment.
2. Let them know you’re scared. This step is NOT key because geese pay special attention to body language. If they smell fear on you, they’ll come harder. They’re like Knox in the third season of Heroes: Your fear makes them stronger.
3. Maintain eye contact. This is key because geese have excellent vision, and interpret shifty eyes as an act of fear. Covering your face with your arm or your Hello Kitty handbag? Guess what that does …
4. As it is with almost every animal species, it’s the female you ought to really be scared of. Stay calm when confronted by the male. Get all chesty with him and the missus will fly into the fray like Hold my hoops, hold my baby!
5. Make sure your body is directly facing the goose as you slowly back away from their camp. You don’t want to turn your back to the goose because … you know what, anything other than eye contact and slow baby-steps backwards is a sign of fear to geese. Everything.
6. Peripheral vision is key. Tripping over a tree branch and rolling your ankle? Also an act of fear.
7. If the goose flies into your face, walk backwards at a 90-degree angle. Any other angle is an act of fear. Remember: geese have excellent vision. Try to half-ass it and walk at an 80, you’ll be leaving with beak marks on your face.
8. The preferred method of escape is a gate. In spring, geese will rarely fly over it; during summer – ready for this? – geese shed their feathers and lose the ability to fly!
Be safe out there.
RELATED: For more past goodness, I mapped out an extreme obstacle course through Woodbury! At night, if you’re like Pretty Ricky, you can score a quick make-out session with a cougar at Cowboy Jack’s!