As I type this, I am forking up the remaining one third of this week’s Fat Pants Friday. This “one third” is a Rampage-quality structure, four patties high and cheesed beyond death.
This particular construct represented the coming together of three gentlemen. When it’s all said and done, this will have been a happy hour munchies, dinner, instant-regret-making second dinner, and breakfast. Not bad for six hands’ work.
WHAT IS THIS THING? It was called the Three Amigos Footlong. Got an hour and a half to kill? Here, the whole movie is on YouTube.
TOP TO BOTTOM AND LEFT TO RIGHT: Jalapeno, torpedo roll, loaded mac-n-cheese, cheddar bratwurst, asparagus, coleslaw, barbecue sauce, crispy onions, pulled pork, hard-boiled egg, bacon jam, chipotle aioli, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, cheese, beef, bun, tortillas, bacon bits.
Trust me, it was all there. I took attendance.
HEIGHT: In addition to being a foot long (and I’m guessing 16-18 inches, actually), it was nearly a foot high.
WEIGHT: I weighed four pounds heavier the next day. Adjusting for meat sweats, we’re looking at about 54 ounces.
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION: I can only assume the chips were needed to get this dish over the mandatory 3,000 calories. If that’s true, this might have been the healthiest thing I’ve eaten on a Friday all year.
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT: To my right, two women drank wine and tried to ignore me. To my left, a gentleman ordered a jalapeno all by itself. I wanted to be like, “Dude, just order the whole thing,” but I was busy.
HOW MANY AMIGOS HAVE I GOT WITH ME? None. In fact, everyone near where I sat left within minutes of my sitting down. The next day, I failed to find a plus-one for MSP Magazine’s Harvest Beer Festival. Maybe that’s a sign. Maybe I should start talking to people when I’m public, instead of standing around playing Angry Birds.
(Thinks about it) Naaah!
ONE HOUR EARLIER: I was just finishing up at the office.
WHAT’S IN MY GLASS: Surly Furious … which, I’ll be camping outside of Surly next week for Darkness Day and will miss Fat Pants.
STRATEGY: I knew I wasn’t finishing this one, so I tried to be practical. I forked up the mac and brat, then mashed apart the pulled pork section to eat with the tortillas. My last bite was a one-shot of the jalapeno, which WTF WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!
I don’t know where they’re getting these jalapenos, if they’re a special Australian species of peppers or what. I do know I spent 15 minutes teared-up at the bar, using the napkins on my nose and cloth on my eyes, sucking down water while Janet the Bartender laughed at me. The end.