“You’re in your Hello Kitty onesie, you drink a half a bottle of Jack, and you pass out.”
Janet the Bartender, on the eve of her birthday, was explaining the plight of a hypothetical friend she insisted she not name. We decided her name would be “Planet.” This was all hypothetical, of course.
“You wake up at 3 a.m.,” she explained, “step on your glasses, and break them into four pieces. Superglue can fix a lot of things, but this is kind of a stretch … so you resort to contacts, that don’t agree with my eyes –“
“– so I can’t see anything two feet in front of me. I can see five miles away from me, but not two feet in front of me.”
To assist with this, Janet had a pair of “cheater” lenses, mounted on the top of her head like a pilot’s goggles.
“I’m a hot mess,” she said, “but I can see five miles away.”
Speaking of hot messes, let’s have a look at the sandwich I didn’t finish last Friday.
WHAT IS IT? It was called “Scary Eddy.”
TOP TO BOTTOM: Bacon, jalapeno, bacon bits, cheese … no, I mean cheeeeeeese … egg, grilled cheese sandwich (with a tomato), more cheese, another grilled cheese (this one with a beef patty inside), cheese, asparagus, cheese.
HEIGHT: Short and stout, this couldn’t have been more than five inches tall. Ask Janet on her birthday and she’d probably say it was six feet tall.
WEIGHT: It was two pounds at the most.
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION: Calcium is still regarded as an essential nutrient, right? We haven’t had some crackpot nutritionist out running around saying it’s poisonous? Good. Cheese has that.
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT: Well, there was a twenty-something guy next to me who did everything short of jumping into my lap and trying to eat it with me. I explained to him, two or three times, that it was only $8 and it was bloody delicious, but he wimped out right in front of his girlfriend.
He probably ordered something expensive, hoping that would impress her. LOL MILLENNIALS.
WHO’S WITH ME? My wife was with me! She had just gotten her nails done, too. They’re this mesmerizing shade of red, sparking but not obnoxiously so, and she plunged those shiny new talons right into a Fat Pants of her own. Good choice, me.
EVEN MORE LOVE FOR 6SMITH: Bradley Traynor of Lavendar Magazine named 6Smith one of his five favorite restaurants in 2015. I notice he didn’t mention the Fat Pants, however. If you read this, Bradley, come — I’ll take you sometime.
WHAT’CHA DRINKING? Furious. It was a long day at work. Sometimes that drink just orders itself.
ONE HOUR EARLIER: Meh, still working.
ONE WEEK EARLIER: Did you see the one my friend’s 85-year-old grandmother tried to eat?
STRATEGY: This was a simple cut-and-bite. I don’t know what they do to add the flavor they do to this cheese but it’s marvelous and made this dish particularly enjoyable. I ate the bacon strip by loading as much cheese fondue onto each bite and spooning it all into my mouth. I did the same with the jalapeno, and the asparagus. What I’m saying is, no bites went into my mouth if it wasn’t entirely coated in cheese fondue.
I bet Mr. Classy Pants to my right was telling his date about how I probably can’t tell the difference between a Brunello and a Cabernet Sauvignon. I know those words because I Googled “expensive wine types” just now.
Anyhoo, if you recall, I had eaten a nine-patty cheeseburger only three days before. I’m pretty sure some of it was still inside of me Friday. I might have also been the day’s breakfast, an omelet the size of a CAR2GO. I don’t know what my excuse is. All I know is, I somehow failed to finish this.
Speaking of poor endings,