I haven’t got much time. I need to get on a plane soon.
For those catching the games this weekend, you should be in for some good ones. Sure, as Gregg Easterbrook points out, home teams in the divisional round are the surest things in sports; but this is one of the strongest groups (if not THE strongest group) of wild-card teams we’ve seen.
Don’t expect any of these teams to just roll over and die. Well, maybe one.
You know how I roll: I’m dealin’ you one sentence in favor of each team, and one sentence deciding the game. I was 3.5-0.5 last week (I picked the Vikings while admitting it was crazy; also they should have won, also SHUT UP) so my word’s as good as a car dealer’s handshake!
KANSAS CITY AT NEW ENGLAND
One sentence for Kansas City: The Chiefs defense has allowed under 13 points per week, and did I mention the New England Patriots could only score 10 against the Dolphins?
One sentence for New England: What kinda crap is their coach gonna pull this time?
One sentence about this game: It might take every deflated ball and recorder-toting spies on the East Coast, but the entire NFL playground is gonna watch Bill Belichick bend Andy Reid over and pull his underwear up over the back of his head.
GREEN BAY AT ARIZONA
One sentence about Green Bay: James Jones’ hoody is stupid, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix has turned into the slogan of the Republican Party, and the state of Wisconsin is most predominantly represented at present by crooked backwoods authorities and Scott Walker’s fusty whey-face, but the Packers did handle that one team last weekend (you’ll have to remind me).
One sentence about Arizona: The Packers and Cardinals played roughly a month ago, and I don’t recall the last time Green Bay was that aggressively toyed with.
One sentence about this game: The red Angry Birds come hard out of the slingshot, popping Packers coach Mike McCarthy and every pig he puts on the field.
SEATTLE AT CAROLINA
One sentence about Seattle: It’s hard to say which Seahawks are going to show up, the Seahawks who stole Arizona’s fries and shit on their sidewalk or the Seahawks who needed a DAMN STUPID FRICKIN’ MISSED 27-YARD FIELD GOAL WTF ARE YOU KIDDING ME HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!?!? (throws laptop out plane window and jumps out behind it)
One sentence about Carolina: With an all-world defense, an insurmountable quarterback, a coach unafraid to take risks, and a pass-catching tight end who’s a match-up nightmare on key downs, the Carolina Panthers are an efficient killing machine.
One sentence about this game: The Seahawks come into Carolina, steal Cam Newton’s french fries, and poop all over Bank America Stadium.
PITTSBURGH AT DENVER
One sentence for Pittsburgh: Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger might’ve banged up a shoulder in Cincinnati, but he’s like Olaf in League of Legends: the more hurt he is, the more dangerous he becomes.
One sentence for Denver: Peytonstein Manning’s about to do that thing old men do in the action movies, where they valiantly take down one last enemy before dying with a grin on his face.
One sentence for this game: Big Ben’s main target (Antonio Brown) is out, which means the Broncos will have plenty of able bodies to cover Big Ben’s second-to-main target (the somersault leg-catchy guy) and host the AFC title game.