The Augustine’s Burger, Augustine’s

I’ve had a few people tell me this, and it has crossed my own mind a few times: Everyone has a list of cheeseburger deals in the Twin Cities, but it’d be nice if someone listed them by day so I knew where to go when.

Well, that’s where this list comes in. You might not have known, but I doubt it will surprise you, that you can get a great cheeseburger at a pretty good price every night in the Twin Cities. No more wondering. It’s all* right here, in a handy day-by-day format.

A couple of things to keep in mind:

Defining “deal”: A deal is whatever I say it is, but we’re generally talkin’ $6 or less. There are some really good burger-and-beer specials and a couple of buy-one-get-one deals push into the $10-12 range, and I think they’re worth bringing up. However …

They don’t necessarily have to be deals. If your cheeseburger is $6 or less every night, and it’s good, I’m sure as hell not going to hold that against you! Some of these are everyday prices, others are happy hour specials, and they’re categorized as such. The main thing is that it tastes good, because I don’t operate like those full-time listicle hacks. If it’s on this list, it means …

I’ve had cheeseburgers from all of these places, and I am recommending them to you. None of this “regurgitation of Yelp reviews, with a photo credit to some rando” bubkis. I’m not sending you anywhere without certifying it first. Keep that in mind, because …

If I missed one, tell me! I’m aware of a few I need to have still, and this is meant to be a living document as I make my way around. It’ll be updated as more are discovered.

Let’s get started.

The Best Burger Ever, Lakes Tavern and Grill

SUNDAY

Grizzly’s, Plymouth
What time: All day
If you’re one of those friend-having types, snap a picture of one doing something stupid and blackmail his or her ass out to Plymouth with you one Sunday. In addition to running happy hour all day – which means $3 spicy Bloody Marys and $7 blackened wings, yo! – burgers are buy-one-get-one-free on Sundays. Since their most expensive one is $12, BOOM! $6 and $6. Just imagine that brown sugar bacon and smoked cheddar burger, then picture it next to a black and bleu burger with grilled onions and Cajun Remoulade. Very few folks can play with fire the way Grizzly’s can.

You’ll have the added bonus of stumbling upon what’s quietly one of the Twin Cities’ best beer programs, and oh: at happy hour, craft taps are $2 off. Get your friend going with a Bloody Mary or two, move on to those big ol’ stouts, and get your camera ready. (Read more!)

MONDAY

Burger Moe’s, St. Paul
What time: 4 p.m.-midnight
You know that Buffet song “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” right? He didn’t write it about Monday nights at Burger Moe’s, but he could’ve! One of St. Paul’s most paradisaical patios and wide-ranging craft beer selections get flanked on Monday nights by a $6 burger special. Almost every burger on the menu gets knocked down to $6. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve stopped in, but if the Axtell Burger is as good as I remember? When is the last time a place called Moe’s let you down? It doesn’t happen on The Simpsons and it won’t happen here.

Call ahead, though: the offer is void on XCel Energy Center event nights.

Half Time Rec, St. Paul
What time: 4-9 p.m.
Bar to the left, stage to the right, kitchen in the back, bocce in the basement. Half Time Rec might just be the perfect bar, and now they’ve got a burger bargain to boot. They run $6, and I hope I don’t have to explain “Build Your Own Burger.” I haven’t done the BYOBurger, but I’ve had enough Paddy Burgers to slide my imaginary poker chips out for them. They’re also a past Twin Cities Burger Battle winner. Think of it like sports: If you stop at Half Time, you won’t lose! (Read more!)

Lakes Tavern and Grill, Woodbury
What time: All day
I wrote two days ago at length about the Best Burger Ever and taking in Dolphins games at Lakes, and guess what? If the Dolphins are on Monday Night Football, I’ll be having two of them for the price of one. What, you don’t think I could finish them both?

Modist Brewing and The Curious Goat, North Loop. There’s beef in there, I promise. Lots of it.

TUESDAY

Modist Brewing Co./The Curious Goat, Mpls. North Loop
What time: 4-6 p.m.
Modist Brewing and the Curious Goat are in every “best-of” discussion concerning breweries and food trucks, respectively, and you get them in one place! This is bigger than Steph Curry and Kevin Durant. This is The Mega Powers, and you can have the best of both worlds for $10 on Tuesdays. You get a pint of your favorite Modist beer – and how are they not all favorites? – and a cheeseburger with so much flavor and so few ingredients, it can be genuinely confusing at times.

To top it all off, your burger will probably be delivered by Curious Goat owner Ian Grey and his gorgeous blue eyes. Tell me you couldn’t see him on the cover of a steamy novel.

Augustine’s, St. Paul
What time: All day
This burger is $7 by itself, but you can slide a Fulton Standard next to it for only $3 more. These are the same folks behind The Happy Gnome – and, more specifically, The Happy Gnome poutine. They play their creamy, protein-packed deck once again for their signature burger – and again it wins convincingly. With cheddar beef, white cheddar cheese, beer mustard, and a French fry payload that could stress a Tonka truck out, you’re getting more than a meal’s worth. I don’t recommend this at lunch time, unless you hadn’t planned to be productive in the first place. Clean this plate and it’ll be the last task you finish all day. (Hear more!)

On a side note, check out this link. Can you believe that?! Kohl’s hasn’t gone out of business!

Bar Louie, Uptown/Minnetonka
What time: 5 p.m.-close
The Bar Louie in the Ridgedale Mall (where I went) offers up half-pounders for $5 with tater tots of French fries. My tater tot portion was pretty sad, not gonna lie, but the burger more than made up the difference. Tuesdays mean long lines at Louie, though, unless you can squeeze into a seat at the bar. Whatever. Just come with a full phone charge and you’ll get some serious Angry Bird leveling done.

Speaking of birds, Louietonka’s also got patio seating. This means you can choose between judging shoppers based on the bags they’re carrying out to their cars or judging them based on what they’re wearing inside at the bar. Variety is truly the spice of life.

Tinucci’s, Newport

WEDNESDAY

Tinucci’s, Newport
What time: All day
The first thing you need to be aware of is Tinucci’s closes up shop at 8:30 p.m. For this burger, though, I will absolutely call ahead – from I-694, going through Brooklyn Park, at 8:12 p.m.  – and see if they’d be kind enough to make me a burger if I get there right at 8:30. They will! They are so accommodating, and so polite, that you will unleash absolute havoc on the Interstate so their kindness isn’t for naught. You will cut off a Peterbilt as you change lanes. You will nearly sideswipe a boat trailer. You will fit your car into places you wouldn’t normally try placing a whiteboard eraser, all in the name of a Tinucci’s $2.50 cheeseburger.

If you’re like me, you pay the extra for bacon and fried onions. Maybe you pay $3 more for a bottle of Michelob. This classic, no-BS meal runs me only $8 total. Your lead foot won’t get any lighter, but that’s a good thing. I mean, what if you need it next Wednesday?

Cowboy Jack’s, multiple locations
What time: All day downtown; 5 p.m.-10 p.m. all other locations
Yeah, yeah, ham it up, hucksters. The joke’s on you if you’re skipping Cowboy Jack’s Wednesday night burger deal. TWO BUCKS! It’s big, too, and the quality will far surpass what you would’ve gone in expecting. This isn’t just a cheap fill-me-up. I always leave happy, and the people I come with always leave happy.

Toppings are extra, yes, but you can still get a bacon ($1 extra) cheese (.50 extra) burger for $3.50! You can’t even get that at Wendy’s anymore, can you? It begins at 5 p.m. at most locations, but the Downtown location runs it all day. If you show up during happy hour, now you’re having that and Lift Bridge’s special Cowboy Jack’s IPA for under $6 total. Think what you want about the loud music, or the people you sometimes see walking out after last call. On a list of cheeseburger bargains, you simply can’t keep Cowboy Jack’s off. (Read more!)

A Juicy Lucy at Axel’s Tavern

THURSDAY

Axel’s Tavern, Loretto
What time: 5 p.m.-close
I’ve already talked about how Loretto isn’t that far out of the Twin Cities. If you happen to be on the west side anyway, you can skip out here for a Juicy Lucy and a pint of Grain Belt for $9 – the only way you get more Minnesotan than that is if you spend 25 minutes saying good-bye to the bartender. Look at that patty! It looks like a damn curling stone. That’s because Loretto cheese portions are much, much different than Twin Cities cheese portions. It’s been a long time since I’d seen that much cheese come out of a burger patty.

HAPPY HOUR SPECIALS AND EVERYDAY PRICES

6Smith, Wayzata
What time: M-F, 3-6 p.m. and 8-10 p.m. winter/9-11 p.m. summer; Sat. 1-6 p.m.; Sunday all day
If you can’t make it for 6Smith’s weekly Fat Pants Friday monstrosities, their happy hour menu is a calorie playground that comes around more conveniently. You can start your weekend with the early happy hour (3-6 p.m.) or hit the late happy hour (8-10 p.m. once winter hours set in). Within the drink specials and snacks awaits an unassuming double cheeseburger with PLO (pickles, lettuce, onions) and special sauce for $6. Speaking of special, PLO is one of the most underrated acronyms out there right now. It might not be in the penthouse with “DIAF”, “GG”, and “FOH”, but it’s miles “FWIW” and “IDK.” (Read more!)

Constantine, Minneapolis
Hey, I never said the burgers had to be big! Think of Constantine’s $5 bar burger as the Ant-Man of cheeseburgers. It comes in pretty sweet armor, and has power beyond its weight class. Nice, soft bun; gooey, melted cheese; and a slick of beef that straight-up satisfies. Be warned: get too starstruck, you’ll have that sequel bankrolled before you know what happened. (Read more!)

Lions Tap, Eden Prairie
It’s easy to forget about a classic like Lions Tap with new restaurants and “Instagram-worthy” food clogging the ol’ social meeds, but Lions Tap will be chugging along long after the new hotness has fizzled and died. That’s how classics become classics, and classics have an uncanny knack for serving up top-notch food at bargain-basement prices. Lions Tap is a prime example: all of their single-patty burgers go for $6 every day, and even the towering doubles don’t go above $10. I say Saturday because it’s located in Eden Prairie, and that’s a day trip for some. Being real, though, if you don’t think you have time for Lions Tap, it’s time to rethink your priorities. (Read more!)

Mickey’s Dining Car, St. Paul
I last had Mickey’s in January 2016. At that time, a half-pound burger was $5. Unless they suddenly decided to “chef up” their menu (go in one day and ask if they’ll do that, I dare you!), let’s assume their prices haven’t changed much since then and their grill surface has only been cleaned once or twice. It’ll be a great deal, and that’s even before you probably get a free pancake because too many were made on accident. If you can get your party into a booth, unlucky you! The real Mickey’s experience is had at the counter, where the cooks are just as likely to tell you off for no reason as they are to whip up a simplistic yet mind-blowing meal. (Read more!)

Both likelihoods are 100-percent, if you’re wondering.

The double Cali, Lion’s Tap (It’s more than $6, but LOOK AT IT!!)

At Hotlist 2016. I don’t think Tim Niver ever hugged me again after this.

Imagine winning a private concert for you and one friend, maybe three friends. I don’t mean a private box or backstage passes. I mean you sit at a table and the band performs right in front of you for you. Maybe you already know and love the band, maybe you’d never heard of them before, but you try them out anyhow and wind up loving every track. The energy is breathtaking up close; every track instantly becomes a favorite. Would you forget such a night? I certainly hope not.

That’s what meals at the Strip Club Meat and Fish were like. No matter where you sat or who you came with, a star took your order, a star mixed you a drink, a star cooked you an impeccable serving of meat and a star hugged you on your way out the door. Yet, you felt like the star afterward. Every time.

The Strip Club Meat and Fish was opened by Tim Niver and J.D. Fratzke back in 2007; and, after a decade of making names and mixing glasses, closed its doors for good on July 1. Its memory will live on in the form of two sister restaurants, Saint Dinette and Mucci’s Italian; the long list of service industry members who began impressive careers there; thousands of smiles; millions of Instagram likes, I presume; and countless stories.

I wish I could tell every story. I can’t, but I’ve got three!

*** *** ***

The first time I went to the Strip Club Meat and Fish in St. Paul, I didn’t make a reservation. I saw Lizzie Breyer and Martha Young planning a date there via Twitter, and – despite not having met either of them in person at that point – invited myself. We sat at the bar; and, when owner Tim Niver approached us to say hello (well, I mean, he approached them because he actually knew them but then was introduced to me though I don’t remember how I was introduced because the people I was with had never met me before) …

ANYWAY, we didn’t ask for menus or make a formal order of food. Lizzie simply said to Niver, “Feed us.” I did eventually order the Chef’s Loaded cheeseburger, but the order that kicked off our night was simply: Feed us.

Feed us, they did: plate after plate after plate. Things I couldn’t name; plating arrangements you could’ve hung up in a museum; ingredients I’d never heard of; flavor that shook me. I said the Lord’s name in vain a lot with my mouth full that night. I couldn’t keep food out of it long enough to properly cuss my love for this place.

At some point, I turned to my right and met Growler editor John Garland for the first time. We got to talkin’, and I wound up sort of abandoning the poor souls I’d imposed myself upon in the first place that night. In the end, though, I made three pretty good pals that night. They probably think I’m a nincompoop, but I consider them pals. Niver gave us all one of St. Paul’s most famous hugs on our way out the door.

I remember meeting with Niver before the restaurant opened one Saturday morning. We were discussing autumn drink menu-creation for an episode of the podcast. This was back in the KSIZ days, so that recording is long gone sadly. We spent probably an hour on the history of the restaurant, the intricacies of cocktail creation, the intricacies of drinking cocktails a little too quickly, laughter at slightly excessive volumes, and opening the restaurant at the bar drinking water.

I remember this quizzical expression the bartender gave me when I slid into a seat. This was still three or four minutes before the front door was to be unlocked.

“We were … um, doing an … interview,” I said, motioning my hand back and forth alongside my head like I was waving a handkerchief. Just like that, though, the bartender got it and went on with his routine. It was almost as if the presence of a buzzed journalist at his bar before open was commonplace. Maybe it was.

Why conduct an interview sober when you don’t have to, I always say.

*** *** ***

When I heard news about the Strip Club Meat and Fish closing, I didn’t wonder why. After what they gave to the community, they didn’t owe anybody an answer. If you want to pretend you know why, you could scour stories about local fine dining closures – and hell, take David Chang’s shriek of “APOCALYPSE!” from last year – and cobble an assumption together. Me? All I knew was I needed to get on the phone and get in one last time.

Naturally, I procrastinated. On June 26, thank goodness, I dialed up a Hail Mary late and connected with one of the restaurant’s three last reservations.

I told my wife beforehand, “If you see something you want, just order it.” This was the last chance we were going to have. In the words of Tupac Shakur: “Set trip, empty out my clip.” I ordered a drink called The Perfect Crime, then dialed up “Gimme Two.” My wife had a lemonade and drove home. She had that ol’ Chef’s Loaded cheeseburger, and I the Asado Del Norte.

I only felt sad at one point, after the first course and my wife had gone to the restroom, when our silverware was taken away to be replaced by the silverware for the main courses. I sat alone under that balcony, and tried to think of the last time my silverware was replaced between courses. I’m not a fancy restaurant guy, but I feared I’d have to become one to have the kind of service experience you got at the Strip Club. THAT made me a bit sad. Otherwise, it felt like a well-deserved celebration in there.

My wife reappeared and we did the damnedest thing – we bonded. We were focused on each other, in a way we don’t usually at the “fast casual” places. At those places, I write a lot. My wife looks at the other tables and tries to sniff out Tinder first dates. We’re often about other people when we dine out, but we were about each other here and maybe that’s because everyone else we encountered was also about us here.

Asado Del Norte, in English, is “Northern Roasts.” It’s a beautifully-laid pile of sirloin, bacon and meatballs atop vegetable ragout. It’s advertised on an old Facebook post as also containing tax cuts. The bacon was almost big enough to hide the six-ounce piece of sirloin, and tender enough to be torn apart with a fork. The meatballs and ragout, if put over noodles, would have been a top-five lifetime spaghetti.

I tasted the tax cuts, by the way.

When my wife is enjoying her meal, she says “So good” a lot with long ‘O’s. I’d venture she did this three or four times during her cheeseburger and during the bites of my food she had. I didn’t do that with the quarter of her cheeseburger I had, but make no mistake: it was, indeed, soooooo gooooooood. We wrapped up with a chocolate brownie and ice cream. That, too, was soooooo gooooooood. And that was that.

It’s easier to let go of when I know the gang will still be around. Niver’s still got Saint Dinette and Mucci’s Italian; Fratzke still co-owns Saint Dinette and has also teamed up with Matty O’Reilly at Republic and Red River Kitchen; and any restaurant owners in their right mind are sending Brink’s trucks out in pursuit of anyone not already re-employed or re-assigned to the other spots. They said it themselves: it’s not the end, but a series of new beginnings.

I took the shot of whiskey I’d been holding onto, took one last look at the red lights over the entrance, and walked away for the last time.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Some minor clean-up edits were made shortly after this article’s publication.